What’s Up With That?

Yesterday I wrote about Freedom Units — what it is (joke about the American measurement system) — and how to defend its use. The conclusion being, it really can’t be defended other than tradition and familiarity.

If I can’t really defend it, I thought perhaps AI, or specifically ChatGPT, could make a case. So I asked the bot to write an article in defense of Freedom Units.

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In Defense of Freedom Units

By ChatGPT

In the glorious nation of Americaland, a place where bald eagles harmonize with Harley-Davidson engines, there exists a unique and unparalleled system of measurement. This system, lovingly dubbed “Freedom Units,” is not just a way to measure distances, weights, and temperatures; it is a way of life, a symbol of liberty so profound that it sends shivers down the spines of the metric-loving masses.

Unlike the metric system, which is based on the laughably logical principles of base-10 and scientific uniformity, Freedom Units are based on the far nobler concept of sheer patriotic chaos. After all, who needs “multiples of ten” when you have 12 inches in a foot, 3 feet in a yard, and 5,280 feet in a mile? It’s like a math problem wrapped in a riddle inside an apple pie.

Take temperature, for example. The Celsius scale, with its bland insistence on freezing at 0° and boiling at 100°, is clearly the work of uninspired European pragmatists. Meanwhile, Freedom Units, known as Fahrenheit, declare that water freezes at 32° and boils at 212°—because nothing screams independence like making sure third graders cry during science tests. And honestly, what’s more American than turning every weather report into a high-stakes guessing game?

Weights and measures are equally delightful. The metric system’s kilograms and grams are all fine and good if you’re into “accuracy” or “logic.” But in Freedom Units, you get pounds, ounces, and the mysterious “stone,” which no one quite understands but sounds rugged enough to belong. One pound is 16 ounces, because 10 ounces would have been too French, and a ton is 2,000 pounds because, well, we just liked the way it sounded. If you’re shipping something internationally, enjoy explaining that one to customs.

And let’s not forget volume. Liters? No, thank you. In Americaland, we measure liquids in gallons, quarts, pints, and cups. There’s nothing quite like converting a recipe from metric to Freedom Units and ending up with a cake that could double as a weapon of mass destruction. Want to make a gallon of sweet tea? That’s 4 quarts, which is 8 pints, which is 16 cups, which is… just keep going until you run out of sugar.

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Of course, the pièce de résistance of Freedom Units is their complete and total resistance to international adoption. While the rest of the world has been busy building bridges of understanding with centimeters and liters, the U.S. has stood firm, clutching its miles and Fahrenheit degrees like a toddler refusing to share their favorite toy. And why should they? Freedom Units are not just a measurement system; they are a declaration of independence from practicality, a refusal to bow to the tyranny of simplicity.

So, the next time you hear someone complain about how “confusing” or “inefficient” Freedom Units are, remind them that this system is not about making sense. It’s about making a statement. A bold, nonsensical, unapologetically American statement. Because in the land of the free and the home of the brave, even our measurements march to the beat of their own nonsensical drum.

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